You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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