And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
