We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
