I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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