I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
