my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
