I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So much Jack, so little girl.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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