Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
