im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
