My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
