there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
