Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
