Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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