i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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