I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
