Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
