you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
