I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
