I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
