There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
