i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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