I think I died a long time ago.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
