Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
