You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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