You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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