My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
