3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
