theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
