Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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