my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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