i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
