you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
