I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
