I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
