I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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