I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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