I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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