Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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