who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
