:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
