so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
