My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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