if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
