Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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