I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
