Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
