You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
