this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
