So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
