I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
