The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
