My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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