he shaved USA in his pubs
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
