can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
