i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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