I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
