i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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